Great shopping, poor parking

On a deceptively warm afternoon – not hot, just warm – the Dragon's Teeth made the pleasant drive through Burchetts Green, towards Bicester. On arrival, many of the team were perplexed by the parking arrangements at the club but adapted superbly well.

As the team filtered into to the changing room at the end… we came to terms with our new surroundings and the news that Frankie ‘mumbles’ Richardson was now starting, due to Barry not hearing his alarm and having to miss out, many of the men were consuming pre-workout shakes and isotonic gels, pre-warm up.

The warm-up came and went, without much to write home about, as any trip outside Berkshire tends to, despite the always positive observations from Marcus, who was fairly well oiled by now. However, a number of high-energy pep talks got the team in the correct mind frame. After the 4th person stated that Bicester were the only team we were left to beat in our league, we were ready.

The game kicked off with a soaring, high kick travelling 11 metres, much like an eagle in free flight, which was amazingly contested by Dan ‘Birdman’ Bickford. What followed, was a back and forth opening few minutes, seeing both teams ease into the game. Bicester got their act together first, scoring a try just left of the posts. Missed conversion, 5-0 Bicester.

Bicester continued their pressure and the Teeth held strong as they collectively stated: “You shall not pass”. A special mention needs to be extended to Richard ‘the innkeeper’ Inns, who accommodated a number tackles from Bicester front row forwards. After the high-impact of these collisions, Innsy’s shoulder left a vacancy in his socket. With that, Innsy’s day was done. Rupert was asked to take his place, in which he was rearing up at the thought. Clearly fatigued from his Gold Cup Outing, Rupert thought he would have had more time to recover. That being said, blinkers were fitted and the stall handler (Graham) guided him to his first scrum of the afternoon.

Seeing the stallion that is Rupert Miller join the fold, was the kick-start the Teeth required to snap into gear. A number of good phases were put together that gained us some territory. Several half breaks from the forwards strained the proverbial pressure cooker, which resulted in a number of penalties conceded by Bicester, concluding in a very kickable penalty in front of the posts. Roddy ‘the inspiration’ Clark gobbled up that opportunity with a big grin, nom nom nom. 5-3

What we needed to do now, was to cut out the errors and take advantage of the opportunities created. The breakthrough came from a centre-field scrum. A play was called and Jack ‘the scholar’ Scott carved through the Bicester defence like a gazelle fleeing a rampant lion. A combination of Bicester’s back 3 took Scott down, but a majestic off-load was provided for Ben ‘The Pilot’ Barrows with an Easy(jet) try under, just right of the posts. Roddy ‘The Salad Dodger’ Clark announced ‘I’m Still Hungry’ nom nom nom. Converted 5-10.

As we lined up to receive the restart, Tom looked at Matt, Matt looked at the mighty Raspin, The Mighty Raspin looked at Harry, Harry looked at Marcus holding a Brandy bottle (who was shouting at the floodlight), then Harry, confused, looked back to Tom and they all nodded in unison. It was time.

From the restart and after a couple of phases, the Bicester 12 received a pass, but as the ball was coming to him a glance towards Robbo ‘The Engine’ Castell and Roddy ‘The Oracle’ Clark whom both let out a “grrrrr”, the Bicester 12 threw the ball at Clark, offload to Tiny Tom Ansell, who went wide. A few phases later Tom was powering over like any prop would. The final play of the half, Clark converts, as if it was in doubt. Well, the ref thought “I won’t write this one down”, but it went over OK… Right through the middle of the posts and it went miles… There was snow on it when it came back. Half Time 5-17 or 5-15, no one knows at this point.

The Dragon’s Teeth started the half where they left off and piled on the pressure with electric line speed, as Marcus was stumbling on the sidelines, which we can only imagine was from the high voltage on the pitch. Keeping Bicester at bay, we had a lot of possession but were not adding anything to the score. We were struggling to build on the work we had put in during the first half even with our scrum as solid as a rock. A rock that had been shielded from the elements, thus rendering erosion to wind and water a non-issue, however, our line-out was less consistent.

Graham ‘The Enigma’ Enright, who had adopted the throwing responsibility, had confidently stated at halftime “I always throw straight, just to the other team”, proved his worth with a number of throws which were deemed not straight by the official. Graham was left a shell of a man, begging for a few tap and goes. With this change of tactic – and notable carries by Sam ‘The Lemur’ Longley and John ‘The Forearm’ Raspin – we were moving in the right direction.

Fortunately, at this point Matt ‘Go it Alone’ Flannigan, stubbed his finger and announced it was dislocated. An opportunity like this rarely comes up and Clark sprinted over, not walked or jogged, but rocketed over to help. With the only medical background in the vicinity (which is a BA Hons in Physical Education), it was agreed it simply must go back in immediately. This lifted everyone, and as a result, the frequency of passes from breakdown increased sharply.

Camped out in Bicester’s 5-metre line, the 72 phases were seeing no further progress, whilst backs and forwards lay strewn the width of the pitch, Sneaky Sneaky Thomas was sitting pretty in the pocket, awaiting his chance to kick some points.

At this stage, I would like to commend Tom Ansell’s mettle. Despite hitting none from 31 previous attempts at drop goals this season, he was still resilient enough to try just one more. On this occasion, the rare feat of hitting both posts and crossbar was achieved, but 3 points recorded. Tom ran away, arms aloft screeching “I did it, I did it”. Bicester were bemused by this, as this took us to two converted scores away from them, with the clock running down.

As they remonstrated, tempers began to flare and a few episodes of heavy petting between the sides ensued, with many players wanting to swap shirts early. This was magnified when Raspin decided to perform the dance from the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’ with Bicester’s nine. This was not consensual and deemed dangerous by the illustrious referee. 10 minutes rest for Raspin.

The game continued in this fashion, as Frankie… who was still on the field…. received some conditioning tips in context of his hair by a handsy opponent. Frankie responded positively, or negatively, well he said something back and we got on with it. In the closing stages, we received another penalty and despite it being the distance that Mars is from the Sun, Clark once again, stroked it over like a trooper. Not enough can be said for the importance of the kicking game – a lot of the time, it is the difference. Whistle blown, 5-23 (5-21, in the referee’s notes).

A special mention must go to a few members of the squad. First, Fuskie, who looked after Marcus as he was trying to discuss politics with the corner flag late on in the second half and got him in a place to congratulate the team following the full-time whistle.

And finally, Betts and Robbo and all others that thought they were playing in the Vets Cup ‘til late on and performed very well. Thank you.

Dictated but not read by The modern day Shakespeare aka Roddy Clark.