From the Mojave Desert to Bracknell (OBR)

On a hot afternoon, not warm, but hot, it was clear that spring had sprung. The team meeting was set at 1300 hours expressed by Marcus over what appeared to be a drunken text. As the Teeth assembled (some earlier than others), it was apparent there was a glaring absentee due to the fact there was not a deep, uneducated sound of swearing. Frankie ‘The Mumbler’ Richardson was not present as I believe, due to it being his birthday. Happy Birthday Franklyn, we all hope you had a pleasant afternoon doing what you love, ruining the day of others.

1300 hours came and went, as the meeting could not start unless Marcus had a full pint in his hand and Ian was nowhere to be seen. At 13:07, Marcus began and communicated changes to the initial team and gave everyone a pep talk, that if you analysed, would be a work of motivational art. However, on the face of it, it was something about a goat and a gate, he then downed his pint and 3 shots and began to undress. Tom ‘The Potty Mouthed Prop’ Ansell took over and in Frankie’s absence, began to swear, a lot, but he very much got his point across. Finally, it was the turn of Matthew ‘Fog on the Tyne’ Flannigan, who said a lot, to actually just say “Yeah, what they said”.

We bounded out for the warm-up, prepared for several changes of footwear, happy in the knowledge our valuables were safe this week. It was clear that summer was rolling in, the ground was as solid as Chris Hodgson’s alibi and the middle pitch being was as sandy as the Mojave Desert.

The warm-up is really where the Dragon’s Teeth hone their fundamentals, tactics and strategy for the upcoming test, however not for everyone. Barry ‘The Brain’ Knowles used this time to discover the finger technique in learning his 9 times tables, which he was notably chuffed to bits with. Whilst Barry was beaming, the ref came over to do his chat, which in my opinion was the most honest we have had all season. To paraphrase “I will tell you what I penalise you for, but if you want to discuss it further, I don’t give a F*$%”. You must respect that.

Kick-off was upon us to a capacity crowd. Seriously, like 40 people… Bracknell must have put a couple of medium sized coaches on. Roddy ‘The Stargazer’ Clark started the game with a pinpoint kick that went so high that air traffic control rang Old Bath Road to check everything was in order. It was, and the game continued. After Matthew ‘The Wise Owl’ Flannigan spoke about the need for a good start, the Teeth went 0-5 down within 90 seconds… Missed conversion by Bracknell.

Roddy ‘The Dependable’ Clark restarted and this time, the superb chase by Jordan ‘The Human Fly’ Finch tapped the ball back and we were away. The Teeth built a number of phases, with a number of crash balls taken by Harry ‘The Teacher’s Pet’ Chapman and rewarded with a very kickable penalty… you know what happened 3-5.

The positivity came to an abrupt end for us, as Bracknell cut through the middle minutes after, which Roddy ‘The Reflective’ Clark put his hands up for making the mistake, I am sorry. Converted 3-12. What followed was a carbon copy of what came before, kick off won, some excellent carries from the forwards, notably enjoyed by Sam ‘Frank Bruno’ Longley who let out a deep “Ha, Ha, Ha” few phases later, penalty awarded and kicked 6-13.

With this, the upper echelons began to change their decision-making approach. Marcus appeared from the tree line, brandy in hand, riding Fuskie’s back like a game of Buckaroo (I honestly do not know where the saddle came from) and called the shots. The message was confused but clear, we were to utilise the ill-discipline of Bracknell. More penalties awarded, and Bracknell began to chirp. The ref made it clear for his disdain for a two-way conversation and began dishing out the cards, with one yellow for kicking out at Sam ‘The Wet Willy ’ Williams (who deserved it for those kinds of antics) and the second for a standard whinge from the Bracknell number 10 just before halftime.

With half-time came some wise words from the side, basically translating to “be better”, but one thing was consistent. Discipline is paramount and under no circumstances should ANYONE speak to the ref for any reason. We took a sip of water and turned round to see Matthew ‘Mouth’ Flannigan chatting away to the ref. A stern “MATTHEW!” from Tom ‘Mother Hen’ Ansell encouraged Matt to sheepishly take up his position to receive the kickoff. This, however, was all missed by a Ryan ‘It’s Just Mud’ Kinsella who had a bad belly.

With a 2-man advantage, The Teeth looked to press on to get some points on the board by trying to use the extra space with Barry Knowles, hitting the gain line screaming “9x7 = 63”, yes, yes Barry well done. The mathematical prowess finally paid off as Richard ‘Lenny Henry’ Inns upgraded himself from a Travelodge to a Premier Inn and forced over for a try after a pick up from Jordan ‘The Slow Coach’ Finch offload. Whilst crossing the chalk, Innsy figured he would run away from the posts to make the kick harder, but that’s ok… Converted, it gets boring if they are all in front anyway. 13-12, ooooh we are winning.

48 mins gone, Bracknell back to full strength, the changes had to be made. The decisions were made on field as Marcus by this stage had got himself stuck upside down in a bin and couldn’t get out with his little legs flapping around. Rupert ‘I Will Make a Difference’ Miller and Graham ‘Papa Smurf’ Enright on.

51 Minutes, Rupert, off the bridle, with a “dangerous”, “no armed”, “reckless” tackle on one of the opposition (for a change) earnt him a well-deserved 10-minute rest… From this Bracknell piled on the pressure and scored, bundling over under the posts. There goes the lead, 13-19. Kinsella back on after dropping the kids off.

Chasing the game, The Teeth needed the ball to stay in it, but as a result, continued to give away penalties and again were punished with a tap and go and Bracknell scoring again, conversion missed 13-24. With the game slipping away, it was now or never and some good play from the George ‘In the Buff’ Butler and Chris ‘Loverman’ Lowerson, we camped ourselves in the Bracknell 22. Penalties were being awarded once again, but the deadlock could not be broken 5 metres out. Until, a squirmy run by Tom ‘The Wriggly Worm’ Ansell beat a number of defenders, scoring. Converted 20-24. Ryan ‘It’s Still Just Mud’ Kinsella off again for near-miss number 2.

Rupert ‘The Hatchet’ Miller back on and to his credit, took the restart high above everyone else. He rose like a majestic salmon in his last effort upstream for mating season. No doubt with one eye on the grand national next weekend. The old filly [Ed - surely you mean stallion?] is fighting to secure his place in the 40 strong field. Some tipsters will have already written off Rupert to go the distance, but following this leap to glory, bookmakers have shortened his odds to 66/1.

A period of back and forth dominated the middle part of the game, with our backs trying to get Billy ’Dilly Dilly’ Dainton on the ball to make a huge impact. This paid off from a mazy run by Billy, getting to the corner and losing control as he went over. The ref, playing catch up, didn’t know and would have been swayed, but to his credit Billy ’Honest John’ Dainton, put his hands up and said he had knocked on. The rugby gods (Gavin Hastings) did not look upon this favourably however and another try for Bracknell through a scramble in midfield. Converted 20-31.

We were not satisfied with that. With time running out, the Teeth showed their resilience and we wanted to finish our last home game on a high and push for a bonus point. Bracknell went down to 14 once again after a high tackle out wide. A number of phases moving the point of the breakdown gave Paddy ‘The Flash’ Conlon 30m of space to step the Bracknell winger and score in the corner.

With the kick marking the final play of the game, it would be a good time to mention Storm Meryl had come in and the wind was disgusting. Bracknell once again showed their class by trying to put the kicker off by waving their arms around, the kick went wide. Roddy ‘I’ve Let It Go’ Clark missed, but finished 83.3% success rate. Not bad I think, not world class, but up there you know? Final Score 25 – 31.

Pleasantries complete, a few words from Marcus, who had dusted himself off and declared himself the 'King of Badgers', and Tom ‘Shut Up Matt’ Ansell concluded the day's action. A disappointing finish, but plenty to take forward to next week away at Thatcham.
Thanks to Paddy, Chris, Billy and Ryan for stepping in to play and Ryan, I hope the IBS settles.

A special mention to once again needs to go to Fuskie, who’s hard work once again kept Marcus alive and I am pleased to say, was not broken and remains an un-bucked bronco.

Also to Chris ‘The Wrongun’ Hodgson for ignoring his restraining order and commentated on the game and Phil ‘The Whistling Touch Judge’ Rushton for doing the line so impartially.

Dictated but not read by The modern-day Edgar Allan Poe (Roddy Clark)