We Just Couldn’t Thatch’am

On a hot afternoon, not smouldering, but hot, the Dragon’s Teeth travelled to Thatcham to play our final game of the season. A number of players met at the club before departing and it was clear that Marcus was taking full advantage of Chris ‘The AA Sponsor’ Owen starting in the front row, and appeared to have been drinking since Wednesday. On arrival, Marcus was being coaxed down from a large oak tree by many of the first team coaching staff. Once his feet were on the ground, we were on our way.

I was lucky enough to drive Rupert ‘The Non-Runner’ Miller to the game and I was initially pleased he had made the decision not to take his entry in the Grand National and come to Thatcham instead. With some technological issues, Rupert confidently announced he knew the way. Even now, I believe Rupert did know the way, but he refused to divulge this information and only told me we had missed junction 12 a full 7 minutes after passing it. We were lucky to make it in time, but it was an ordeal.

With the entire team already changed and ready, we had to play catch up. The warm-up got underway and the feeling was fairly flat – work had to be done in order to get The 'Teeth in the right place. Up stepped Matt ‘I am the Captain now’ Flannigan stating more than once, probably nearer 5 times, that we have been competing and playing for each other for 8 months. At the time I did question whether 8 months was in fact correct. I did, however, deduce that this was not the time to bring it up, but it stuck with me. Once I had a little time, I worked it out and in fact, the season has been going on for more like a 6 month period.

Anywho, back to the warm-up, forwards and backs split. The backs spent a lot of time watching, with great confidence, the thrower change many many times in lineout practice. Graham ‘Steptoe and Son’ Enright had the first attempt. After a single throw up stepped the next challenger. This continued until Sam ‘The Welsh Wandango’ Williams managed a straight throw. He got the job, to the great delight of his father who is fast becoming my new hero. Unbelievable energy from the sidelines.

Into the changing room (shower) for the final pep talk. Marcus and Chris were still nowhere to be seen, but many members of the public were leaving the Thatcham clubhouse shaking their heads. We can only assume either Marcus was shouting in a young child’s face or Chris had exposed himself.

Matthew ‘Inaccuracy’ Flannigan once again began his rhetoric surrounding 8 months, which, as we all now know, is not right, but we got the message, out we went. Ready to go with Thatcham about to kick off, the referee checked both teams were ready and touch judges were in place. A slight delay occurred as the referee was adamant he could not have a touch judge in the process of enjoying a beer. An overexcited Chris Hodgson was relegated.

With the confusion of Matthew’s team talk ringing in our heads, The 'Teeth got off to a poor start with two quickfire penalties both for offside, which were both kicked by the Thatcham 10. 6-0.

Once again, we had started slow but began to get a foothold in the game with some excellent carries by some of the forwards, notably by Chris ‘Big Dawg’ Betts and Chris ‘The Marcus Whisperer’ Owen (Fuskie). As a result, we found ourselves camped in Thatcham’s 22. Some continued drives by the forwards, the call came from the backs and they were released. Some slick passes from Tom to Matt and then onto to Sean ‘Newbie’ Newbery who went over the whitewash, with his curly locks flowing in the wind like the canopy of a large beech tree. Impressively, Sean showed the excellence of the South African education system and actually ran in towards the post for his first try for the club. The conversion, despite still difficult flew true and straight. 6-7.

Enjoying the rub of the green, The Teeth quickly found themselves in a very similar position in the opponents 22, but this time a penalty was awarded and Roddy ‘The Boot’ Clark added the extra 3 points. 6-10. After not playing particularly well, finding ourselves leading was a good sign.

Thatcham, obviously feeling aggrieved by their predicament, raised their performance and put the Dragon’s Teeth on the defensive for a prolonged period of time. We held strong for a large chunk of the pressure with some excellent tackling by Alex ‘The Man Mountain’ Martin and Matthew ‘Mad Nuts’ Edwards holding the line impressively. During this period of play, Barry ‘The Tape Worm’ Knowles took an awkward knock on his pinky and dislocated it. Roddy ‘The Academic’ Clark was called over, but Barry sprinted away, clearly evaluating the treatment of Dr Clark’s last patient and saying "not today".

The fatigue started to set in and mistakes were beginning to creep in, especially according to the referee, offside once again called. Mistakes were also being made from the sideline and Chris ‘The Lackluster Commentator’ Hodgson who blamed our prestigious 12 for the error. The referee stated that it was number 2, not 12, Chris. That would suggest that Graham ‘The Codger’ Enright was pre-mature and got pinged.

From the resulting penalty, a few phases and some blatant crossing later, Thatcham were over again and the try was converted just before halftime. The prolonged defensive effort had taken its toll with Matthew ‘The Utility Man’ Edwards needing replacing and Barry ‘Say That Again?’ Knowles heading off with a real dislocated finger. On came Guy ‘The Law’ Lawrence and Frankie ‘Positivity’ Richardson, with ‘Happy’ Harry Chapman moving to 13. 13-10.

After a few halftime instructions, followed by Marcus roaring like a tiger remonstrating "I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE" we lined up for the 2nd half.

Restarts were very inconsistent and not in the right areas during this fixture, which I can only apologise for, but at times The 'Teeth took advantage of this as Thatcham were making some extremely unforced errors. A penalty was given against Thatcham. Very kickable, excellent strike through and through the posts. But their touch judge wasn’t impressed so waved it off, only to be overruled by the referee who rightly awarded the points, 13-13.

What followed can only be described as a flat spot, a serious of missed tackles allowed Thatcham a score that could have been readily avoided. A converted try later 20-13.

This wake-up call failed to stir The 'Teeth and again Thatcham capitalised after a poor kick chase and they simply ran around us scoring in the opposite corner. A deflated-looking Phillip ‘Rush Up’ Rushton stated the importance of defending in a line… I suspect it was more down to a much higher average age and a much slower 30m sprint time. 25-13.

60 minutes gone, but still plenty of time to turn it around. Another offside from Thatcham (do you see a pattern here? Someone was being assessed) and the penalty was kicked, which made the task a more realistic feat. 25-16. With this, we got our act together and start putting a few phases together and gaining more and more territory.

Camping out in their 22 after some thunderous carries by Guy ‘The Offload King’ Lawrence and Franklyn ‘The Sunshine of my Life’ Richardson, the backs once again were released by some invaluable hard metres gained by Sam ‘The Langoustine’ Longley, but this, unfortunately, resulted in Tom ‘Hyper Tension’ Ansell running across the path of a supporting player. Crossing was called and in an articulate and measured way, Thomas stated his grievances with the decision, the referee marched us back 10 more metres and Thatcham exited with ease.

Now, I don't want to point any fingers, but last week there were certain advocates of the "no speaky to reffies" movement and now those individuals have committed the very offence that was campaigned against, I feel someone should call foul. Please reflect on this Thomas.

The whole team let out a disappointed expiration and started to feel the lactic acid build up. Thatcham once again broke through and scored under the posts. 32-16, we were back to where we started, but as we headed back for the restart, the referee had decided to take this opportunity to kiss and make up with Thomas. A long discussion, with both sides explaining their point of view, with Matthew ‘The Delusional’ Flannigan interrupting to tell the referee about our 8 month season. There was a little peck between the two and we were ready to get going again.

As demonstrated over the past few weeks, we do not like to lie down and be beaten. So with a determination, we wanted to finish the 6 month season on a high. We sustained period of pressure and a number of penalties conceded, Thatcham were reduced to 14 men. Chris ‘Woof Woof’ Betts eyes lit up and forced himself over for a hard-earned try. Converted (That’s 100% for the day. It’s for others to say, but I heard some spectators saying that it was a world-class performance). 32-23. 10 to go and we had hope.

The turning point of the game was to occur, Harry ‘Have a Go Hero’ Chapman performed a perfectly timed interception, tipping the ball up expertly and hanging on, he was away under the posts, but the referee had other ideas. Blowing immediately for an infringement which never came, for which he proceeded to apologise profusely for a ‘brain fart’. What most didn’t see, whilst all were remonstrating, was that Harry actually dropped the ball 10 metres from the line and it wouldn’t have counted anyway, Harry, you are a silly goose.

Completely drained with decisions going against us and chasing the game, we failed to add any more to the score, but a personal highlight was yet to come. After conceding a penalty, the referee reversed the penalty (giving a seductive wink in Tom’s direction, who was still playing hard to get) after Matthew was called a "big nose". Despite Matthew coming out swinging, the penalty was given our way, as the referee "would not have that on his field". Luckily a snap was taken (shown below) of the look Matthew ‘The Beak’ Flannigan gave the referee following the decision.

Then other stuff happened, and they scored with the last play. Final Score 39-23.

The journey home with Rupert was hard work and argumentative, but he did take a 90% share of the blame for the trip to Thatcham, so there is that.

A special mention to Alex Martin who made his debut on the wing and impressed throughout and Sean with his first try and his impressive head of hair. Great work boys.

Finally, the day made us all appreciate Fuskie’s work so much more. Frankly, Chris ‘The Enabler’ Hodgson was a bad influence on Marcus who appeared in a worse state than ever as the groundsman chased him around the field in a jeep trying to tranquillize him.

Oh and thanks to Thatcham for the hospitality which included ice cream on a truly warm day.

Penned by Roddy Clark.