U17s vs Twickenham

Today is the end of an era,
Under 17's last official game
So I was asked to write the report in verse
And try to mention every name.

(please note - you might not make it if your name is hard to rhyme!)

A good night out was had last night,
A thank you I need to say
To Karen and Ian Oliver -
Who confessed that he was gay!

(ask him about the badge)

I do feel a bit of resentment,
And need to take this last chance
To ask again whose idea it was
For the ladies to be banned from France???

Yes, I mean the upcoming tour,
The whole thing just isn't right.
Men only ( yes, Ian it does include you)
An idea both outdated and shite.

But let's get back to the game in hand
And concentrate on the match
And try to use some proper rugby words
Like running and pushing and catch.

MATCH 1
Oh crap, I’m late for the kick off,
The game has already started,
We may have already scored a try
Which might even have been converted!

(7 – 0) (Coaches interjection; Kieran charge down & score; Jam conversion)

Sharky – apparently 14 stone 12,
Scored the very next try,
Whoever kicked for a conversion
Missed – the ball disappeared into the sky.

Twickenham had a great break
A quick run from their man on the wing,
They scored their first points and converted
Seven points for doing their thing!

So I’m looking to see who is playing
Who has turned up for the match,
Sam O, Matt H and Callum
Plus someone – no name – but can catch!

Just spotted Craig on the sideline
Eating Jelly Babies galore,
He did have the manners to share them
Big Pete kept asking for more.

A quick word about the coaches,
Alan and Richard and Big Pete
Who loyally stood at the sidelines
Watching every victory and every defeat.

And Bernie our fabulous manager
Sending messages and e-mails galore
With details of 12.17 pm starts
Which loads of the parent's ignore!

Let's 'big them up' for their efforts
And how much they've done for our lads.
(still think you're old fashioned and sexist
For making the tour just players and dads!)

Another try has been scored
By some boring old bloke’s lad
I think he goes by the name Kieran
So much more talented than his poor dad.

Twickenham got another break
But got stopped just shy of the line.
I definitely saw Sam Oliver
Getting there just in the nick of time.

I heard a cry of “Played Sharky”
As usual, he did something good.
(maybe, if I’m really nice to his Dad
He’ll give me an Ensians top with a hood!)

Alan got narky with handbags at dawn,
Then another break from our Sam,
A lovely off load to Aaron
And even more points in the can!

I feel that I’d like to mention
Little Cameron and how good he has been
The Under 17s mascot
Always willing and so very keen!

24 - 7.

MATCH 2

A call from Alan – ‘Warm up, Tom
You’re going on in a mo’
Three Tom’s shouted a reply,
‘Which one of us is expected to go?’

Ian O was looking a bit fragile,
A little bit whiskery and grey.
Not so chatty this morning
Thankfully with little to say.

There was a really nice tackle from Patrick
Who I accidentally confused with Rory,
Then followed a load of quick passes –
Our boys were aiming for glory!

Twickenham didn’t really penetrate
Into our teams half
So I had a few moments to reminisce
About the wonderful tour in Bath…

Those were the glory days
When mums were allowed on the tour.
It will definitely be crap without us
The whole thing will be a complete bore!

Number 19 was our new boy called Rio,
I don’t know if he danced in the sand,
But he did look pretty impressive
When he ran with the ball in hand.

Just saw someone was spitting,
Horrified that it was my very own son.
I didn’t bring him up to do that.
Not ever, not even for fun!

My hands are now getting quite frozen
And my feet are aching a bit.
I can’t watch the game as I’m still upset
That I actually saw my son spit!

There was quite a lot more shoving
And shouting and running too,
I know so much about rugby now
Technical details all here written for you!

Dave Wareham was here on the sideline,
What a kind and generous man,
It’s fair to say that after his wife,
I’m probably his greatest fan!!

(Don’t tell Charles Dickinson though!)

Twickenham have scored the first try
At least that’s what I got told,
Thankfully, Frankie was paying attention
Whilst I was moaning about the cold!

Lots of shouts came from the coaches
About Aaron’s lovely tackle, it seems.
Is this really an appropriate thing
To shout at U17 boys teams?

A brilliant tackle from Rory
Who smashed a player to the floor.
It would be even more interesting
If only our boys could score.

We could see quite a lot of big Ryan,
He may need to get some new shorts
I don’t think there’s a place for builder’s bum,
When you’re running around playing sports.

The Ref kept blowing his whistle
And we were eventually given the ball.
A massive kick from Jam
Added pressure to get the score to five all.

(try scored – Jake H - 5 – 5)

Actually Jam converted the ball,
Which really has buggered my rhyme,
It would have been much easier
If you’d deliberately missed this time!

(7 – 5)

MATCH 3

Advice was offered to Tom L
From his mum – known as Dr Julie,
Told him to behave and keep quiet
And keep his behaviour from being unruly.

There was a knock on from Hugo
And then the ball was put in the scrum,
Not knowing the rules of rugby
Is becoming a pain in the bum!

Let’s big up the Mum’s for all their support
For their good nature, their loyalty and cheer.
Through gritted teeth, we’ll wish the Dad’s well on tour
And hope they don’t choke on their beer!

An early try from Callum
Put the score to nil five
An absolutely crap kick from Jam
Meant the ball was no longer alive.

A bellow came from coach Bernie,
‘Come on lads, I don’t want you to kick it!
If you do that again, I’ll have no choice,
Where the sun don’t shine is where I will stick it!

Some lovely quick off loads then followed
Followed by a brilliant try
Brian was the one who intercepted
And over the line he did fly.

Some more nice play was seen by Callum
He ploughed through the Twickenham pack.
I am almost ashamed to admit
That I don’t if he plays forward or back.

Twickenham continued to put up a fight
When the ball got lost on the floor
Patrick grabbed it and passed to Brian
Another try to add to the score

A player from Twickers shouted quite loud,
And was clearly heard to say
‘Don’t effing kick the ball again’
Maybe he’ll be a coach one day!

Twickenham fought on and definitely deserved
to get some points on the board.
When their winger got hold of the ball
He ran quickly and easily scored.

They kept the pace up and again crossed the line
To score another try
This one was converted
When the ball flew between posts and into the sky.

Kieran responded almost straightaway
With his usual flair and panache
Weaving his way through several players
And over the line he did dash.

Tom Lee had a moan at his Mum
Told her that his nipples were hurting
He wanted to know how she had managed to do this
And what she had been washing his shirt in!!

(20 – 12)

POST MATCH THOUGHTS

Post match behaviour was not very good
Big Pete was deeply uncool
He insisted on talking about the tour
Which I found both insensitive and cruel!

The drink off performance from Sam O
Was impressive and shockingly quick
We know if poor old Ian had tried
He would definitely have been really sick.

So here’s to the end of the season
Apologies for names I have missed
But was out last night with Bernie and Co
And unfortunately got a bit pissed!

I have had to make a decision
One that really has been quite hard
But in protest for being left out of the tour
I resign as Redingensian’s bard.

But hats off to all our boys
You’ve really played like a dream.
You’ll all be bloody amazing
When you play for Ensians Colts team